TRY AND BE A GOOD FRIEND-THIS WILL HELP YOU!

Everybody needs friends. You can feel very sad and lonely if you don't have someone to play with and be with - it happens to everybody sometimes.  Here are some ideas to help you in making friends and keeping friends. Having friends is also about how to be a friend and how to be a friend to yourself!

Did you know?

You can be your own best friend.

Sounds weird?

Think about it.

Who are you with all the time? Yourself.

So, take some time to really get to know yourself.

Start by asking yourself some questions.

Who am I?

·         Am I a friendly person?

·         Am I a positive person who looks forward to each day?

·         Am I a good listener?

·         What am I good at?

·         What do I like to do in my spare time?

·         What do I like about my looks?

·         Do I like myself?

You will have times when you mess up or feel ashamed about things you may have said or done, but you're still OK as a person - believe it or not that happens to everyone, even parents and teachers!

If you are feeling sad and can't seem to find things that you like about yourself, here is something you can do.

If you like yourself, others will probably like you too.

If someone doesn't like you don't worry - you can't expect everyone to like you. After all, you don't like everyone either, do you?

You can show what a nice person you are by always being pleasant and good mannered - even to people you don't like.

What is friendship?

·         Spending time together.

·         Sharing ideas and treats.

·         Having fun.

·         Respecting each other's differences.

·         Loyalty, sticking up for each other.

·         Caring for each other's safety and wellbeing.

·         Both of you working on the skills to keep your friendship going.

Friendship skills

How to be a friend!

Always

·         Talk - be interesting, keep up with what's going on around you, eg TV, sports, music, shared interests - so that you have something to talk about.

·         Share the conversation, so that you each get a chance to be listeners and talkers.

·         Listen to what your friends are saying and ask questions about it.

·         Praise your friends when they do something well.

·         Use your manners - say please and thank you. Friends like to be pleasant to each other.

·         Think of yourself as being a friendly person, look friendly and be friendly - and others will find you friendly.

·         Be helpful - do things for your friends without keeping a score on who's done the most favours. 

·         Give back things you have used or borrowed from each other (this is a good idea for brothers and sisters, too).

·         Be aware of others' feelings - think before you speak. (Sometimes it is a good idea to keep your thoughts to yourself rather than upset people's feelings.)

·         Handle conflict - by being clear about what you want and how you will compromise.

·         Share your time with other friends.

·         Be honest about your feelings, eg. "I don't think this is a good idea because…" But don't always try to be the leader - try out other people's ideas.

·         Try to understand people by thinking about things from their point of view.

·         Don't argue and get upset if your friend doesn't agree with you about something. That's O.K. She has the right to an opinion too.

Things you should try not to do:

·         Don't brag about what you've got or done.

·         No put downs - you wouldn't like it if someone did this to you.

·         No prejudice - don't make comments about country, colour, religion or physical appearance. "If you can't find anything nice to say about someone, say nothing," is a good motto for everybody.

·         Don't take over - let others tell their own jokes and news.

·         Don't fight your friends' battles. You can support your friends by helping them to deal with their problems:

o    Be a good listener

o    Help them to stay safe.

o    Encourage them to try.

o    Be there when they need you to be.

o    Help them to make good choices.

o    Encourage them to look for help from trusted adults.

·         Don't talk about them without their permission.

You are a unique (only one like you) person with lots of different sides to your character, so you can have different friends who share your different interests, eg friends at school, in your street, in sport clubs, at church, in your family, etc.

It's good to have a best friend but it's good to have other friends too.

What makes a good friend?

·         Having equal shares, not one always the leader and the other following.

·         Having lots of fun together (if not, you'd better look for another friend!)

·         Both of you working at keeping the friendship.Giving each other some space.

·         Even best friends need some time to be alone or with other friends, so don't try to 'own' each other.

·         Respecting each other's differences.

·         Feeling safe talking to each other about your feelings and problems.

·         Trusting each other and looking out for each other.

Being 'popular', and having real friends, is not always the same thing.

Most adults would think themselves really lucky to have one true friend - someone they can trust and rely on for their help and support when they need it. Real friendship lasts through good times and bad times.

Remember: Good friends can play with other people sometimes and still be friends.

WHAT KIND OF A FRIEND ARE YOU? FIND OUT!

1. Some friends in your group are making fun of

your bestfriend’s new braces. You

a. join in

b. say nothing

c. tell them they’re justjealous of the pretty teeth she’s going

to have and then walk away

2. You really wanted to be editor of the yearbook, but your

best friend is chosen instead. You

a. congratulate her and are genuinely happy for her

b. say ”whatever” and try for a spot on the school paper

c. accuse her of sabotaging your career goals and ­nd another

best friend

3. You tell your best friend you’re getting a new dog and

you’re going to name her Sparkles. Nextthing you know, she’s

got a new dog named Sparkles! You

a. yell at her for copying you and tell her to ­nd a new friend

b. go ahead and name your dog Sparkles – besides, your dog

is cuter!

c. choose another name for your dog and teach her to attack

your former best friend’s dog (kidding!)

4. You’re home sick with the ­u. Your best friend never calls

or stops by to see how you’re doing. So when she comes down

with the ­u, you

a. decide to be a kinder, gentler best friend and bring her a

get-well care package

b. don’t call. Two can play this game.

c. call her, then vividly describe the symptomsstill to come!

5. You and Suzie made plans to go to the mall. Then Brianna

calls and invites you to go skiing. You love skiing! You

a. tell Suzie about Bri’s invite and ask if it’d be all right ifthe

two of you went to the mall the next day (since you don’t get to

go skiing that often)

b. politely thank Brianna for the invite buttell her you already

have plans

c. tell Brianna, “Yes! I’ll be ready in 10,”then call Suzie with

a made-up story about not feeling well

6. You and some friends are planning a skating party at

the local rink. You really don’t wantto invite your friend Alex

because she’s so bad at skating, it’s embarrassing.

After thinking about it, you

a. invite her. After all, she’s only going to embarrass herself.

b. don’t invite her. Hey, you’re saving her from embarrassment!

c. invite her, then schedule some practice time before hand to

help her out

7. Your friend borrows one of your favorite shirts. When she

returns it, she thanks you, but doesn’t mention the big stain on

the front of it. You

a.scream at her for ruining your favorite shirt, then demand

that she pay you in full for it

b. ask her calmly what happened; maybe there’s a good

explanation.

c. don’tsay anything, but vow to borrow one of her fave items

in the future and ruin it!

ANSWERS:

   a=1;b=2;c=3. 2) a=3; b=2;c=1. 3)a=1; b=3;c=2. 4)a=3;b=2;c=1. 5)a=2;b=3;c=1.6)  a=2;b=1;c=3.           a=2;b=3;c=1.

18-21 points: Great friend

10-17 points: Fairly good friend

7-10 points: Fair weather friend

FRIENDSHIP THEORIES

THEORIES THAT INCREASE FRIENDSHIP

1.   THEORY OF FRIENDSHIP-

Description

Factors which increase the chance of making friends include:

Similarity: How much we have in common with them (‘birds of a feather’). Similar friends provide social validation for our beliefs, characteristics, etc. In practice, opposites seldom attract.

Proximity: The Propinquity Effect leads us to like most people we see often.

Reciprocity: We like people who like us and dislike those who dislike us.

Beauty: Physical attraction counts, although how it is defined varies around the world.

Competence: We like people who are competent (but they should not be too perfect).

Example

Think about your friends. How many have the above characteristics? What about people who you see to whom you feel immediate attraction?

So what?

Using it

To win trust, build friendship.

Defending

Your friends are not always your friends. Trust based on long evidence.

2.   Ben Franklin Effect-Jecker and Landy (1969)

Description

When we do a person a favor, we tend to like them more as a result. This is because we justify our actions to ourselves that we did them a favor because we liked them.

Benjamin Franklin himself said, "He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged."

The reverse effect is also true, and we come to hate our victims, which helps to explain wartime atrocities. We de-humanize the enemy, which decrease the dissonance of killing and other things in which we would never normally indulge.

Research

Jecker and Landy (1969) involved students in an intellectual contest where they could win significant money. Afterwards:

• A: 1/3 were approached by the researcher and asked to return money as he had been using his own funds and was running short.
• B: 1/3 were approached by a secretary and asked to return money as it was from the psychology department and funds were low.
• C: 1/3 were not approached.

Then all were surveyed to see how much they liked the researcher. Group B rated him lower than Group C (so impersonal request for a favor decreases liking). Group A rated him higher than group C (so personal request for a favor increases liking).

So what?

Using it

Ask people to do you a small favor. Don’t return it immediately.

Defending

When people ask you for favors, watch out for feeling better about them.

STAGES OF FRIENDSHIP

1. SOCIAL PENETRATION THEORY- Altman and Taylor (1987)

Description

As relationships develop, they penetrate deeper and deeper into private and personal matters. This exposes vulnerabilities, so trust has to be developed along the way. 

Penetration goes through a number of stages.

1. Orientation stage. Here, we play safe with small talk and simple, harmless clichés like ‘Life’s like that’, following standards of social desirability and norms of appropriateness.

2. Exploratory affective stage. We now start to reveal ourselves, expressing personal attitudes about moderate topics such as government and education. This may not be the whole truth as we are not yet comfortable to lay ourselves bare. We are still feeling our way forward. This is the stage of casual friendship, and many relationships do not go past this stage.

3. Affective stage. Now we start to talk about private and personal matters. We may use personal idioms. Criticism and arguments may arise. There may be intimate touching and kissing at this stage.

4. Stable stage. The relationship now reaches a plateau in which personal things are shared and each can predict the emotional reactions of the other person.

5. Depenetration. When the relationship starts to break down and costs exceed benefits, then there is a withdrawal of disclosure which leads to termination of the relationship.

Example

This can be seen in conversations at parties, as strangers steadily chat each other up. 

So what?

Using it

In building a relationship, notice the stages and do not try to hurry things too much. For example do not get too intimate in your touching when the other person is still reticent.

Defending

Know how far and how fast you want to go in a relationship. Do not let the other person hurry or push you.

2.   STAGE THEORY-Levinger (1976)

 Description

Stage theories in general describe how we go through distinct stages as we develop. Thus, rather than gradually changing, we typically make sudden shifts to different plateaus of perception and behavior. This may be associated with 'aha's of sudden understanding.

Levinger's Relationship Stage Theory

Relationships go through a series of stages as they mature. Levinger's model has ABCDE stages.

A = Acquaintance/attraction. We meet other people and feel an initial attraction, often based on physical beauty and similarity.

B = Build-up. We become increasingly interdependent as we reveal more and more about our private selves. We get irritated by one another, but the more pleasant aspects may well keep the relationship going.

C = Continuation/consolidation. Longer-term commitments are made, such as marriage. The partnership enters what may be a life-long stable relationship.

D = Deterioration. Many relationships decay, due to several factors. These include relative effort, rewards, barriers to exit (such as marriage and social obligation) and the availability of alternatives.

E = Ending. The relationship ends when partners agree to separate or one leaves.

Example

Compare the above list with your relationships. There is a good chance many will fit closely. 

So what?

Using it

Understand the stage of the relationships you are in. If you want to sustain them, act to prevent deterioration. If you want to end them, get through the deterioration as soon as possible!

http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/

CHECK IT OUT-MOVIE AND BOOK REVIEW

BOOK REVIEW

Beaches

Iris Rainer Dart

Cee Cee Bloom and Bertie White are as different as night and day. Loudmouthed Cee cee is set on making it to Hollywood. Quiet and conventional Bertie dreams of starting a family and settling down.  In 1951, the two meet in Atlantic City at the age of 11, and form a lasting bond.

The poignant tale traces their extraordinary friendship which lasts 30 years, through love and tragedy. The comic yet heartbreaking book has been adapted to the big screen, and one could label it an “un-ashamed chick flick” that had men wiping away a few tears.

MOVIE REVIEW

Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants

THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS follows four high school girl friends who separate for the summer and vow to keep in touch by way of a pair of blue jeans that magically fits all their different body sizes perfectly. They mail the jeans to one another, along with letters to keep up with what's happening in each other's lives. Lena (Alexis Bledel) is shy and quiet, on her way to Greece to visit relatives; aspiring documentary-maker Tibby (Amber Tamblyn) resents being stuck working at a local Wal-Mart-type store; golden girl Bridget (Blake Lively) is dealing with her mom's suicide and distant father as she heads to soccer camp in Mexico; and young writer carmen (America Ferrera) goes to North Carolina to visit with her long-absent father, Al (Bradley Whitford), who announces he's about to marry Lydia (Nancy Travis), whose two blond teens seem complete opposites of Carmen. During their vacations, they explore their emerging sense of independence, while figuring out how to maintain relationships with their families and with each other, and each girl learns a valuable life lesson.

MUST READ BOOKS